set sail this summer on a cardi b cruise

Yes, it's real. Just don’t mention Fyre Festival.

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Mar 11 2019, 10:07pm

Image via Instagram.

Not content with making over Las Vegas in her image, Cardi B now has her sights set on another senior citizen favorite: the cruise. Yes, this summer the icon formerly known as Belcalis Almánzar will take to the water of the Caribbean on the “Days of Summer Cruise,” accompanied by first mate DJ Khaled, and ship’s boy Post Malone. The ship sets sail on June 28 from Miami, for a three night cruise to the Bahamas. Three nights, what could go wrong? The rapper and re-brander of Baby Shark shared the news with this Instagram video, the high production value of which imbues us with great confidence:

Obviously we’re already having visions of Fyre Festival style disasters, replete with cheese sandwiches, except worse, because this musical extravaganza is on an actual boat (maybe instead of cheese sandwiches, passengers will be forced to fish with strands of weave). The prices are reasonable if you have money hidden behind the toaster that you need to launder ASAP, starting at $1,062.50 per person. For this, you get an onboard casino, spa, and endless views of the empty, forbidding sea, soundtracked by Dj Khaled shouting “Khaled” incessantly. We are having visions of Cardi serving Titanic-style realness, floating on a door, using her bedazzled Lactaid bowl as an oar. We can’t wait.