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cara delevingne speaks more candidly than ever about her depression

The model and 'Suicide Squad' star is once again using her platform for a very good cause.

by Hannah Ongley
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Aug 5 2016, 6:28pm

@caradelevingne

Earlier this year, Cara Delevingne opened up about her struggle with depression in an emotional string of tweets provoked, weirdly, by fans questioning why she was fronting Saint Laurent campaigns after saying she was ditching modeling for the movie business. "I suffer from depression and was a model during a particularly rough patch of self hatred," she tweeted. "I am so lucky for the work I get to do but I used to work to try and escape and just ended up completely exhausting myself." The actress and sometimes-model has been using her dizzying platform for years to speak up about important issues ranging from animal cruelty and sexual harassment in fashion to shitty interviewers who don't take her seriously. And in a recent interview with Esquire, Cara has spoken more candidly than ever, getting very real about her history of mental health and revealing that she had frequent suicidal thoughts as a teenager.

"I couldn't deal with it any more. I realized how lucky and privileged I was, but all I wanted to do was die. I felt so guilty because of that and hated myself because of that, and then it's a cycle. I didn't want to exist anymore. I wanted for each molecule of my body to disintegrate. I wanted to die," she says, going on to describe one way that she tried to dull the pain. "I would run off to the woods and smoke a pack of cigarettes and then I would smash my head so hard into a tree because I just wanted to knock myself out."

Cara also spoke about her mother Pandora's battle with heroin addiction, recalling being frightened by her disappearing for days at a time. Both mother and daughter have been prescribed medication to help fight their respective demons, and though Cara says that saved her mother's life, she made a personal decision to stop taking them at 18. "And that week, I lost my virginity, I got into fights, I cried, I laughed," she remembers. "It was the best thing in the world to feel things again. And I get depressed still but I would rather learn to figure it out myself rather than be dependent on meds, ever." Luckily Cara has other ways of keeping her depression in check — like her relationship with girlfriend Annie Clark, aka St. Vincent, who may or may not have recently given her an extremely large diamond ring.

It's awesome to see more and more celebrities speaking up about mental health, with Olly Alexander, Zayn Malik, Kehlani, and Kaytranada all revealing their own struggles with anxiety or depression in recent months. It's not easy to do when there are millions of people watching and criticizing your every move, though it can definitely make it easier for other teenagers fighting similar battles. As Cara's revelations prove, depression is a bitch, and doesn't give a damn about the size of your parents' bank account.

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Text Hannah Ongley
Image via Instagram