desiree akhavan, a one woman show
The lauded film writer, director, and actress talks the trials and tribulations of doing it for yourself. As taken from The Fifth Sense, a partnership with i-D.
Film writer, director, actress, and author Desiree Akhavan moved to London from her native Brooklyn and dyed her hair purple. You'll probably know her from the gloriously bratty, funny, and sad Appropriate Behavior which she wrote, directed, and starred in. The film, which went on to Sundance, was inspired by real life events: struggling to come out, a break up, all the emotional milestones that follow. It's somewhat autobiographical, but she does insist her character Shirin is an alternative version of herself. Here, she talks the trials and tribulations of being a woman whose doing it for herself.
How big is the gap between you and Shirin?
I don't really see myself as that character, and people who know me know that I'm not. I don't identify with a lot of it, but the emotions and feelings are mine. I wanted to be hard on my character, not paint a beautiful, heroic portrait of myself. She does shitty things; I do too, but different ones. The struggles and fascinations and adventure and taking the worst possible option in any scenario is definitely me though [laughs].
What else are you working on right now?
Ugh, so much. I'm signed on to direct two films and I'm doing a series on dating that's based in East London. I'm working on a project in the UK that I am still writing. After two years of being unemployed and writing films on spec and freaking out, I've got all of this work in the matter of a month. You don't hear about the shitty bits of building a career in the arts, do you? Just the glamorous bits. When Appropriate Behavior got into Sundance, I signed with a big L.A. agency — it was a year of traveling to different film festivals, my life was turned upside in a beautiful way, but it was really overwhelming. I'm also writing a book right now and I really want to write about life after Sundance because the goal was always "get into Sundance and life will be fixed." But actually it does not mean you will have a career. It's a minefield of half opportunities. Everyone tells you they give a shit but their money isn't where their mouth is. You have to create opportunities and find ways to empower yourself. That's not a complaint, it's just what it is to work. To work in any business is to be a hustler.
I was given some advice lately: just say yes to everything because who knows if ever again you'll get the offer.
For sure. I was in the UK for the release of Appropriate Behavior. I stayed with Cecelia, my producer and best friend, on her couch. The professional meetings I had during that time were few, but they were all genuine. People would take action afterwards and suddenly it felt like there were lots of opportunities which felt very different to being in the states. This was a year after wondering of what to do next. We were writing a lot and didn't know where to put it. I ended up not getting on the plane home and moved my life here. I had one suitcase and I just never went back.
Are you moving into the part of your career where you're maybe directing a film and acting in something else, or both in the same project?
No, each one feels really different. Right now, I'm shooting something where I'm in the cast, but not producing or directing. It's really exciting to just be on the other end for someone else's work, especially when it's people whose work you love. I'm really excited to learn something different and get out of my own head for a minute. When you're directing, you're sitting at the driver's seat thinking about everything. I'm directing something later in 2017 that I didn't write and I just love the script. When my agent sent the script to me, I sat up all night reading it and rang my agent. For the first time I said, "No one in the world can direct this but me." It sounds ego-driven but it wasn't, I felt very protective. I've read a lot of scripts over the past two years, and I've never felt that way until this one.
How beneficial was film school?
I like where I am right know. I don't know that film school did help me get here, but it's not like I can connect the dots clearly. I liked school, the organized structure, and I like not being alone. I don't know if it tangibly helped me gain anything or learn any tricks, but it did give me a controlled environment to keep trying. I needed peers, encouragement, and structure.
Text Sophie Heawood
Photography Darcy Haylor