7 tips for not caring remotely about valentine’s day

As any good internet trivia-fan knows Saint Val was also patron saint of beekeepers. Let’s take the sting out of this confusing holiday.

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Feb 14 2018, 9:42am

It was invented by old straight dudes
St. Valentine is the patron saint of courtly love. Guys, romance was created by horny medieval people who wanted to sell ‘courtly love’ as a must-have for all the original White Knights wanting to procure a chivalrous doink with a damsel via batted eyelids and dirty poems delivered on the sly. Yes, guys like Geoffrey Chaucer have made this particular day of the year Hard Work. That’s why we’re all sweating over which flowers to send, which dinners to book, which crotchless panties to buy. Millennial love doves frantically download voucher codes for Pizza Express while husbands the world over struggle to reconcile whether the wife or the girlfriend gets the nicer jewellery this year, and all in the name of some randy poets.

If you’re dating maybe you should just like love each other and be nice to each other all year round and then you don’t have to worry about Valentine’s Day really
Whether you’re in a couple or a thrupple or a frupple (it’s a word), Valentines Day can be a weird one. I’ve never ‘done’ Valentines Day when in a relationship because doing nice things together should happen on the reg. If I buy you flowers it’s because I know you like flowers. If they buy me dinner it’s because they know I never have any food in the house apart from peanut butter. Sweeping gestures out of the blue on a day every man and their iPhone is painfully aware of just seems tacky and like you probably call your birthday ‘Steak and Blowjob day’.

As the doyenne of doing it, Esther Perel said “there are five ways people speak and understand emotional love.” Similarly the sage of sex, Karley Sciortino says, “we need to learn each other’s romantic languages, and not try to impose our own language on someone else.” This romance shit isn’t cut and dried. And the last place we should be taking inspiration from is an extremely straight holiday.

"Rather than having a Monica and Rachel boy bonfire, schedule a Galentine's (celebrate the Gals), Palentine's (celebrate the Pals) or HALentine's (celebrate your Heuristically programmed algorithmic computer)."

If you’re single maybe you should actually just go ahead and carpe the Valentine's diem
If you’re single and ready to mingle, then you should absolutely carpe the Valentines diem. Lust hangs tentatively in the air and there’s a good chance a lighthearted text asking someone for a drink could secure you a hawt date. But maybe just use Valentines Day to plan it out, and actually fire off your cupid’s arrow a week later, just so you don’t seem like a Hallmark devotee.

If you’re single and you dig it, it’s pretty easy to just to treat Valentines day like any other, or to turn it nicely on its head and have an Anti-Valentines Par-tay. Rather than having a Monica and Rachel boy bonfire, schedule a Galentine's (celebrate the Gals), Palentine's (celebrate the Pals) or HALentine's (celebrate your Heuristically programmed algorithmic computer) bash and get your nearest and dearest round to declare love to each other through the medium of alcohol and Spotify playlists.

Be cool
It doesn’t help that the start of the new year is prime time for break-ups and general doom and gloom, but trashing Valentines Day openly is less acceptable past the age of 15. You either seem extremely bitter or extremely horny (both of which are legit, just not always socially favourable). You can ignore one day of the year, right? Just pretend it’s your cousin’s wedding anniversary. Luckily Valentines is on a Wednesday this year which means it’s basically reduced to a midweek party that only the energetic can be bothered to attend.

Or get on out there -- there are millions of bitter and horny people out there looking to cancel Valentines together. Who knows, you might meet your future wife, (or an extra member for your Sabrina The Teenage Witch discussion group).

Eat pancakes
I never really understand how Pancake day moves around so much but this year it fortuitously falls into your lap exactly one day before Val Day. Give yourself two days to celebrate pancake day or at least indulge in it enough so you’ll manage to subsist on a pancake-high for a further 24 hours (If, like me, you don’t like pancakes maybe eat a lot of sandwiches or something).

Be nice
Do something nice for yourself. Not because it’s Valentine's Day (do something nice for yourself everyday) but because I’m telling you to and you’ll really enjoy it I promise. And I’m not alluding to masturbation but if that’s the interpretation you’ve derived I endorse that. V-Day is also an excellent opportunity to think of others and give to whichever charity sets your heart most aflame.

Definitely Don’t Send That Text
Give your phone to your friend and ask them to hide it. Now is not the time. Today is not the day. I’m serious. Don’t text them. Delete their number. Block them on Instagram. I can’t believe you haven’t already. You don’t need them in your life.