perfume genius sorted all your favorite musicians into hogwarts houses so you don’t have to
From Lorde to Lana to Solange to Mac to “Dobby with a jewelled dagger.”
This article was originally published i-D UK.
If you scroll through the Twitter feed of musician Perfume Genius for even a mere 3.4 seconds, it's evident that yes, he is absolutely, positively, 473% genius. There's profound insight into some of the quality television to recently grace our screens ("I like it on The Bachelorette when the men cry"); meditations on contentious biblical matter ("Lovingly I comb God's bowl cut"); and poignant quotes from some of the great thinkers of our time ("Work work work work work").
But all that pales in comparison to what is clearly his piece de resistance, his magnum opus, his modern day Mona Lisa — sorting musicians into their Hogwarts houses in honor of Harry Potter's 20th anniversary. Yes. That's right. Musicians. Gryffindor. Slytherin. Ravenclaw. Hufflepuff.
AND — because yes, there's an and, just when you thought there were four very distinct and separate categories through which to filter yourself and your potential friends and basically everyone you ever encounter, you were wrong — and there is more.
There is also "public Slytherin, private Hufflepuff" (Father John Misty); "Slytherin but in a really dope way" (Lana del Rey); even "Gryffindor huffle rising" (Angel Olsen and Perfume Genius himself, who also happens to be "Dobby with a jeweled dagger." Because just like the genre traversing music he makes for the muggle world, Perfume Genius defies linear boundaries in the wizarding world too).
A few more pearls of straight up Dumbledore level wisdom, if you please:
- Solange: Gryffindor. "Capital G." (obvs)
- Lorde: "strong Gryff" (again, note the capital G)
- Mac deMarco: "Hufflepuff" (that grin tho)
- Fleet Foxes: "jovial house mix" (the aural equivalent of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans)
- Morrisey: "Slytherin" (courtesy of some questionable choices)
- St. Vincent: "Hermione" (the hair, the brains, the sass)
- Abba: "Slytherin" (idk, I thought they were quite happy? Maybe the long blonde Malfoy-esque hair?)
There's even an appearance from Harry Potter himself, in the form of
- PJ Harvey, because she's "Gryffindor but can do the snake talking thing"
On a related note: Happy Bloody Birthday Harry, may your Patronus be strong and your scar painless and your cake made from an inch of cream cheese icing instead of dust:
Text Georgie Wright
Photography Matthew Leifheit