20 ways to turn your life into game of thrones
If we could exchange our miserable existences for a world with armies of unsullied warriors, badass outsiders and face-changing, wish-granting assassins, we totally would. We'd have been there to catch Bran Stark as he fell from the sexy tower, weep at Sean Bean's twenty-fifth death and cut the Mountain's throat before any head exploding ensued. The night may be dark and full of terrors, but life would be so full of impressive CGI and brilliantly scored adventures that we wouldn't ever complain. i-D swear by the old gods and the new that all we want for our nameday is a chance to play the game ourselves. Follow these steps and embrace the totally cruel, impossibly cool ways of Game of Thrones.
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1. Give yourself an impressive-sounding title. eg. Brienne of Tarth, Lord of Light, Hand of the King, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Master of Coin, Son of Fire, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North. Prizes for the most creative.
2. Adopt an accent of questionable origin. Don't be afraid to experiment.
3. Don't trust Northerners/Southerners/anybody.
4. Get a pet. Direwolves are awesome. Fire-breathing dragons are better.
5. Drink wine like water and cure the inevitable hangovers with milk of the poppy and a visit to the nearest whorehouse.
6. Not quite sure what it is you want to do when you grow up? Instead of wasting time and money on internships and traveling to far off lands, find yourself as you serve in the Night's Watch. Your family will tear up as you take your vows.
7. Always pay your debts. Yes, that means the $2.50 you owe your buddy for that coffee. You never know when they might hold it against you.
8. Accuse dishonorable acquaintances of being bastards.
9. Ensure potential suitors swipe right with topical chat such as, "you must be a White Walker, because I want you to have my babies." It'll go down like Lysa Tully through the moon door.
10. Start your warg training now by thinking really hard about a particular animal until you can control it with your mind. Give your cat evils until it hates you/does as you say. Practice makes perfect.
11. Write a kill list. Mutter the names of your enemies over and over before you go to sleep at night. Even if you never actually do the deed, it'll make you look psychotic and feel a little better inside.
12. Planning on confronting an enemy or controlling parent? Do it when they're at their most vulnerable and taking a shit - what better situation for that long-overdue chat/crossbow murder?
13. Liven up the next wedding you attend with a traditional bedding ceremony, encouraging the pregnant bride to eat a still-beating stallion's heart, or by massacring guests at the end of the night. That'll teach 'um.
14. Complain about the weather even more than usual, because winter really is coming.
15. Accept your own mortality. #valarmorghulis
16. Don't be afraid to dabble in incest. Playing family games of Fuck, Marry, Kill is standard practice in King's Landing.
17. Feel safe in the knowledge that annoying teen stars/kings always get what's coming to them. It is known.
18. It is important that you stay ahead of the game by knowing exactly what everybody is doing all of the time. While some rely on "little birds," we suggest stalking friends/enemies/lovers/everyone via social media.
19. Befriend every badass blonde you come across. She just might take what is hers with fire and blood and it will pay to be on good terms.
20. Finally, BOOBS. Feel free to free your nipples all day every day, because nakedness is fully celebrated throughout the seven kingdoms.
Congratulations! Your initiation is complete and you are now a true Lannister/Tyrrell/Stark/Baratheon/Martell/Targaryen/Tully/Greyjoy/Arryn. Press play and celebrate.
Text Francesca Dunn
Photography Helen Sloan/HBO