this week in sex: kendall and being “not gay”

It’s so boring that here we are in 2018 and people are still being pigeonholed into being one thing or another. Maybe it’s time we all embraced the fact that there are many shades in the rainbow of love.

|
Mar 19 2018, 2:33pm

Image via Instagram

Kendall Jenner, the Posh Spice of the Jenners (the B-side family to the Kardashians) is not gay. Mop up your tears, put those pernicious rumours to bed -- in a candid interview with Vogue, the model announced that she doesn’t have a "bisexual or gay bone in [her] body". Doctors haven’t verified this, but we’re taking her at her word.

For many of us, accusations of ‘being gay’ come when you’re a nervous queerlet at high school and everyone’s pretty sure your lack of a boyfriend means you’re a frigid virgin lesbian who lies in bed crying to the Indigo Girls (what, you too?). But Kendall, media royalty and fashion darling, faces the same gay panic because the paps have never seen her cavorting around a human penis. "I think it's because I'm not like all my other sisters, who are like, 'Here's me and my boyfriend!’"

It’s a relatable story if we just scale up a bit -- your stunning famous hetero family are marrying ripped famous guys and accruing an army of heiress toddlers, and you just want to stomp the catwalk like a lean, mean single-machine and party on down with Cara Delevingne (not like that though, of course...).

Whether Kendall felt pressured to put these rumours to rest out of concern for her career, or just wanted to stoke the keen fires of her gay followers who think she doth protest too much (probably not her intention but it’s out of her control), it’s a sad state of affairs that the media forces female celebrities into the conundrum of either finding a nice young man to settle down with, or going full Ellen. No wishy-washy low-key bi-curious grey-area gym trips with your personal assistant. And don’t go on dates in public or they’ll think you’re a harlot. But don’t not do them at all because they’ll assume you’re gay. What’s a girl to do.

“I would always go that extra mile to be low-key with guys, sneaking around all the time. You don’t want to, like, look crazy.” Oh goodness me, no. That’s why only normos like you and I can afford to thrash around town insanely with multiple Tinder dates hanging off each arm. Celebs like Kendall, however, have to save face by artfully choosing which generic lad to pop to Whole Foods with on the weekend.

Outrage that Kendall has come out as straight, ugh ignores the real threat that she faces, as someone who has spent most of her life in the spotlight, of having her career sabotaged by a deeply prejudiced industry. Last year, KJ’s BFF Cara explained on her Instagram the fear that human shit-barrel Harvey W****stein instilled in her about her own sexuality when she says he told her, “If I was gay or decided to be with a woman, especially in public, that I’d never get the role of a straight woman or make it as an actress in Hollywood.”

While I hope Kendall’s public embracing of her own heterosexuality is genuine and not just a hastily thrown bone to keep the rest of Conde Nast’s most inquisitive journos at bay, I do so solemnly wish more female celebs wouldn’t balk at the suggestion they might enjoy having a few red wines and a re-watch of Bound with another woman.

Science is constantly trying to prove to us what I already choose to believe -- that everyone is just a teensy bit gay. Cornell University recently published a study that claims truly ‘straight’ people don’t exist. But in celebsville you’re guilty until proven hetero, and mainstream media can’t quite cope with the fact that the K Stews of this world might want to hold hands with both men and women, and it doesn’t even depend on how her haircut is vibing that day.

There’s another rumour going around that Kendall is dating someone named ‘NBA player Blake Griffin.' But she’s keeping quiet about that, apart from saying, "He’s very nice." Which is what you say when he hasn’t done anything wrong yet but you’re reserving judgement.

It’s difficult to find a woman who hasn’t drunkenly smooched a gal pal at an after-hours netball social at least once. If her recently-inked lower lip ‘meow’ tattoo doesn’t inspire flirting from numerous bi-curious socialites I’ll be very surprised.

Kendall says she’s not ruling anything out, however. "Who knows," she said. "I'm all down for experience -- not against it whatsoever -- but I've never been there before." I’m assuming she means Croydon.

What’s the right way to ‘do’ or ‘perform’ your sexuality? A humongous and daunting question, and one that I want to answer with: whatever makes you happy. But until the neon ever-presence of celebrity relationships dims a little, the influence their views on sexuality have on young people remains pertinent. Maybe, however famous or non-famous you are, just be true to yourself. I’m proud to announce my GP tells me all the bones in my body are bisexual, if that helps.