o come, all ye faithful, to brooklyn's first mary-kate olsen worship service

Sing hymns from the Olsens’ divine discography and experience a fashion showcase of their formative Walmart line.

by Hannah Ongley
09 January 2018, 7:08pm

Photography Dimitrios Kambouris via Getty Images

Religion is about finding a belief system that suits you. What are your thoughts on the afterlife of Cocoa the hamster? Do you believe more than one God exists, and that they may even be twins? Do you swear only on the navy side of seminal 2000s tome Influence? Pick a fave paean: “Our Dog Has Eaten Our Homework” or “Gimme Pizza (High Times Version)”?

If you answered any of these questions, Mary-Kate Olsen is your God, and Brooklyn’s Cloud City your church. Tomorrow, the underground theater club is hosting a very Mary-Kate worship service — aptly titled Mary-Kate Olsen Is Our God — dedicated to America’s favorite left-handed fraternal twin. It includes hymns, sacrificial offerings, and a fashion show featuring styles from Mary-Kate and Ashley’s iconic Walmart line.

If you’re asking where this sacrament has been all your life, you’re not alone. Sermon leaders Natasha Vaynblat, Jessie Jolles, and Katie Hartman have been planning to take fellow MKO disciples on this journey for some time.

“Well we missed 2017... so 2018 was sort of the next best option,” Jessie explained to i-D. (It’s okay, 2017 was hectic — no one knows this better than one half of the world’s wokest tweenage God.)

After overhearing someone in a coffee shop bashing Mary-Kate Olsen for not appearing in Fuller House, fate was finally sealed. “We were in shock and horror, how could someone forget all the love and movies that Mary-Kate had given us?” Jessie demanded. “How dare they ask her to share a role again with her twin! She needed to honored, she needed to be worshiped.”

Each era of MKO holds a different meaning for the service’s founders. “I think now is her best time,” says Katie. “She’s officially separated from that twin (of whom we DO NOT SPEAK) and found herself an old French man. It’s every little girl’s dream!” Russian-born Natasha was literally introduced to America through It Takes Two, and still believes that film to be the height of cinematic excellence. Jessie lives each day as a different Mary-Kate:

“We always say you are in some state of Mary Kate everyday,” Jessie maintains. “Some days you’re straight to VHS style and don’t feel like dealing with ‘the man’ telling you what kind of videos you can make. Then other days you might be Billboard Dad and feel like giving back!”

“Mary-Kate Olsen Is Our God” takes place at Cloud City on Wednesday, January 10, at 8pm. Entry is $5.

mary kate olsen
Cloud City