19 things to avoid in 2019
Give a wide berth to all of the following people, places and situations and you might just scrape through the year ahead without feeling the need to punch yourself repeatedly in the face. Happy New Year!
1. Remembering how much you paid for the oversized Vetements hoodie, way back in 2017, when it peers accusingly at you, crumpled, unfashionable, all a bit silly, really, from the dusty recesses of your wardrobe.
2. All food products, or food outlets, still pre-fixed with 'Dirty', that cringey marketing buzzword of half a decade ago. Time for a rebrand.
3. London nightclub venues that have been there forever –– waning in popularity and relevance as the years go by –– suddenly pretending to be Berghain by making you place a little sticker over your phone camera upon your arrival. Nice try, but pics of a DJ playing David Guetta remixes to a half-empty dancefloor ain't gonna cut it on The Gram anyway.
4. People who keep annoyingly asking, “Yeah, but what if we don't get in?” when planning an night at actual Berghain.
5. Greedy-grabby London nightclubs dispensing with cloakrooms in which to stash your coat/bag, and instead charging you £15 for the temporary use of your very own gym-style locker. WTF?
6. People who tell you they are 'bored of Brexit' and 'just want to get it over and done with'.... sorry if monumental decisions about the future prospects of the UK haven't been enough of a giggle for you, babes.
7. Mega-wealthy pop stars who dimly chip into the Brexit debate by expressing misguided empathy for Prime Idiot Theresa May. Yes, the Spice Girls are back…
8. Influencers. If we all agree to ignore them, might they just go away?
9. Ecstasy Generation Parents nostalgically banging on about Acid House and things being so much better Back In The Day. Tip: don't watch old footage on YouTube of outdoor raves from the late 80s, unless you want to risk seeing your dungarees and Kickers-wearing mum, when she was young, gurning on a podium in some field by the M1. Or your dad, wild-eyed and pilled-up to the hilt, going all 'hands in the air', back when he still had a full head of hair.
10. People who insist on drinking only decaf coffee or herbal tea because caffeine is, like, so, so bad for you and really addictive, you know... yet still merrily smoke 20 Marly Lights per day in between sipping their futile brews.
11. People who gave up sugar and now can't stop telling everyone how 'totally re-energised' they feel, yet look really tired all the time and never say anything funny anymore.
12. People who dismissively reply to an email from you by telling you they will be giving your imminent project or invitation a 'swerve'. Yuk.
13. People who have quite a few LGBT friends but never think to question the dubious, dated and heteronormative format of Love Island and spent most of the summer completely addicted to this celebration of vanilla straightness.
14. Fashion designers claiming to be disrupting the narrative, because they made some trousers bigger than trousers might usually be.
15. Fashion designers claiming their work is now couture because the latest collection includes a bit of hand stitching here and there.
16. Fashion designers claiming Paris Is Burning is their ultimate favourite film, when in reality they always fast forward through all the sad parts because they reckon those bits just aren't major enough.
17. Fashion designers claiming all of a sudden to be heavily influenced by art, because they went to the private view of Frieze London last October.
18. Skinny jeans with pre-ripped holes in the knees... the worst trend of recent years that still refuses to die.
19. Unpaid internships at fashion magazines or fashion PR companies, where all you do is endlessly tidy piles and piles of clothes in a large cupboard for four long weeks, in return for a daily travel card and, if you're lucky, an invite to the launch party of a new range of sequinned leggings created by some D-list celeb who apparently once vomited over a sun lounger on Ex on The Beach.