how to turn your life into an episode of curb your enthusiasm

As the great Larry David returns to our screens on Monday, we’ve come up with the greatest guide ever to get you in the mood.

by Oliver Lunn
29 September 2017, 10:23am

This won't be easy, turning your life into a Curb episode. Some things you can't realistically do: become mates with Ted Danson or move to a mansion in LA that looks like you earned millions off an insanely successful TV show. On top of that, you will likely get punched in the face (there's a 99% chance, I'd say), because not everyone appreciates a bald narcissist who goes out of his way to right societal wrongs. Those minor details aside, here's how you can turn your life into a Curb episode.

Call bullshit on every chat-and-cut you see
You spot someone sneakily slide into a queue – a queue that you're in – by chatting to someone in said queue. It's an injustice of cosmic proportions, and you're gonna do something about it. "Congratulations on a great attempt at a chat-and-cut," you say, finding that perfect pitch of passive aggression. "99 times out of 100, that's gonna work. Unfortunately I happen to be in the line."

And while you're at it, call bullshit on stop-and-chats
Small talk is the absolute worst – those meaningless, inane chats you have when bumping into people you barely know. But you have no problem brashly avoiding these stop-and-chats. "That was kind of rude," your best friend tells you when you march past someone who says hi in the street. You explain: "I don't know him well enough for a stop-and-chat." You hate small talk more than anything. You even came up with a way of elevating small talk to medium talkelevating small talk to medium talk.

Always – always – screw up the tip
You have some legitimate concerns about tipping. If a tip is included, why would they suggest you give something on top? "It's an 18% tip included and then they have a space for an additional tip!" Your solution? Casually pull the waiter aside and say: "I'm protesting the additional tip, I don't care for it." You can screw things up further by asking your friend to tip exactly the same amount as you, justifying it as "tip coordination".

Fight 'bald discrimination' and respect the 'bald community'
By which I mean stick up for your fellow baldies and always call out 'bald discrimination' when you see it. For example, when a waitress takes your friend's order and not yours, raise your index finger and call it what it is: bald discrimination. And when, on Halloween, some kids graffiti 'BALD ASSHOLE' on the side of your house, tell the police: "Bald asshole? That's a hate crime."

When buying weed, always buy schwag
Know the difference between dank, schwag and shake? Of course you don't. You're LD. But you like the way schwag sounds. That extended vowel sound like you're about to break out into a full-blown Sean Connery impression. Schwaaag. You buy an ounce for 200 bucks, then a prostitute tells you, "You don't even know what the fuck schwag is." You fire back: "I bought fucking schwaaag, okay?"

Don't trust your business manager if their wife is hot
Say you're having a meeting with your business manager (get yourself a business manager). Everything is going fine until his wife enters the room. She's hot. You throw your hands up in disbelief: "That's your wife? I don't think we can work together anymore. She's beautiful." The business manager thinks you're completely unjustified. "I don't like what that says about you," you say. "It says you're a very superficial man. No depth … I can't trust you with my money, I'm sorry." That's your belief now. Stick to it.

Question the (toilet) rights of the disabled
Can you really ever justify using the designated disabled toilet? If you're Larry David, yes, yes you absolutely can. You do your business in there, exit the stall, whistling, doing up your flies all happy. And then: "That's my stall!" a disabled man barks. "Someone was using the other one, so…" "Well then you wait!" Later, when you discover the same guy using the 'normal' toilet, you repeat his words: "Well then you wait!" like a true asshole.

Hire a hooker just to use the carpool lane
If you hire a hooker, make sure you have a good reason. Like using them as an excuse to use the carpool lane – the lane reserved solely for cars with a driver who has one or more passengers – during LA's worst traffic. You're in a rush, there she is. It's a genius life-hack. Worry about the ethics later.

Master the LD staredown
You have a method to gauge if someone is telling the truth. You squint your eyes a little, then raise your eyebrows, tilt your head thoughtfully from side to side, stare deeply into their eyes like you were trying to glimpse their soul. Does it actually work? It's not 100% accurate but it will 100% make the other person feel uncomfortable.

Obnoxiously mimic hands-free users in restaurants
Say you're sitting alone in a restaurant close to a table where a guy is using a hands-free kit. He's loud and it looks like he's talking to an imaginary friend. What do you do? You do the same, only you don't actually talk to anyone. The idea is to be loud and obnoxious and come off as a crazy person. You will cause offence and that's the point. Remember: this thing isn't about trying to be Person of the Year.

The new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm starts on 2 October on Sky Atlantic.

Larry David
Curb Your Enthusiasm