yes, i’m a witch – and here’s how you can be too

Our guide to modern sorcery.

by Bertie Brandes
|
23 October 2017, 1:38pm

This article was originally published by i-D UK.

Back in boring history, being a witch meant boiling babies up in a pot and making candles from their fragrant oil. It was all, ohhh my god Sarah let's 1-hundy sacrifice this three-legged dog and lol do you even float? Clearly by 2017 witching needed a serious update, there is absolutely nothing vegan about roast terrier. Luckily, it got one! Goodbye sex rituals, goodbye virgin blood tasting, leave that shit to #pizzagate. Now all you need to be a witch is some stuff from your local free-pouring organic supermarket and no concept of personal shame. Are you worried you'll show yourself up in front of your sorceress peers? Dw. Follow my short guide to gen witch and you'll be hashtagging #haglife before you know it.

Salt Lamps
These are the crucial segue between generally vibesy and loves yoga to starting your new insta account and therefore life as Curious_Witch94. A salt lamp is an affordable entry-point to modern witchery; mass-produced and easy to purchase yet imbued with vague new-worldiness and a lot of Yahoo Answers pages about how they do more for your mental health than meds. Consider this dipping your toe in. Like it? Of course you do, you've been searching for purpose and identity since you turned 24! ProTip: Don't put it next to the damp corner of your room! It's real salt. So it will melt. Let's move on.

Palo Santo
Like a salt lamp… that smells! Yes, these thicc matches have been co-opted by virtually every vaguely spiritual group (come at me 3rd year anthropology students) but that shouldn't put you off. Palo Santo, Holy Wood or as I like to call it Gender-is-a-construct-incense is so popular because a mere whiff positively screams "deep" "mystical" and "incredibly high IQ not that government-sanctioned ideas of intelligence even matter tho". Burn some of this along with your salt-lamps and you'll be ready to hit the kitchen and start cooking up some potions.

"A salt lamp is an affordable entry-point to modern witchery; mass-produced and easy to purchase yet imbued with vague new-worldiness."

Spells
The thing is, any combo of things can technically be referred to as a potion. Potato waffles, baked beans and codeine? Why that's my trusty "prangover-be-gone". Coffee, water and heat? It's a spookily instant energiser! (super cosy too). 1x glare, 2x friends' hair-flipping in their direction and 0.5x a vodka lemonade poured directly over shoes? That's the classic Bitch Leave This Party Now. Spells! Cute!

Crystals
No idea what they do but expect to get a lot of them for your birthday.

"The secret ritual is: watch absolutely everybody's Instastories constantly. Who needs actual telepathy when people share what they're doing all the time anyway."

Being psychic
Ok here's where things get really seriously eerie. Telepathy is real, and nothing will convince your peers of your v special supernatural abilities more than an uncanny ability to know shit they haven't yet told you. Forget dusty old books and sprigs of lavender tossed into wells (honestly where tf were you planning on finding a well). All you need is your phone and the ability to lie without feeling guilt or embarrassment. Beyond easy. The secret ritual is: watch absolutely everybody's Instastories constantly. Who needs actual telepathy when people share what they're doing all the time anyway. Stop pretending to act surprised when your crush tells you they went for breakfast in Soho or your friends admit they all went out for dinner without you last night. Just reply deadpan "I know". How? "I'm a witch". A witch with wifi, but still, essentially, a witch.

General bad will
My personal favourite and the final stage in earning your witch stripes. Just be a complete dickhead to everyone. From the barista who took 400 years to whip up your bee pollen and turmeric latte (is she serious?) to the guy on the phone from the bank explaining why your card just got denied trying to buy moths suspended in resin on eBay. You are actually very tired of this. You are actually currently channelling the spirits of some very hard shit. You are nothing short of a martyr, offering up your body as a vessel for all sorts of really odd stuff. You're actually really odd ok and people need to fucking get that and get that you're a witch. Yes. You're a witch.

Tagged:
witchcraft
psychic
witch
gen witch