yes, i’m a witch – and here’s how you can be too

A guide to modern witchcraft and sorcery, from crystals to other stuff.

by Bertie Brandes
23 October 2017, 1:38pm

Historically being a witch has meant boiling babies up in a pot and making candles from their fragrant oil. It was all, "ohhh my god Sarah let's sacrifice this three-legged dog and lol do you even float?" Clearly by now, witchcraft needs a serious update - there is absolutely nothing vegan or sustainable about roast terrier. Luckily, it got one! Goodbye sex rituals, goodbye virgin blood tasting. Now all you need to be a witch is some stuff from your local free-pouring organic supermarket and no concept of personal shame.

Are you worried you'll show yourself up in front of your sorceress peers? Dw. Follow my short guide to gen-witch and you'll be hashtagging #haglife before you know it.

Salt Lamps

These are the crucial segue between being an earthy yoga lover and starting your new life as a witch. A salt lamp is an affordable entry-point to modern witchery; mass-produced and easy to purchase yet imbued with vague new-worldliness and a lot of Yahoo Answers pages about how they do more for your mental health than medication can. Consider this dipping your toe in. Like it? Of course you do, you've been searching for purpose and identity since you turned 21! ProTip: Don't put it next to the damp corner of your room; it's real salt, so it will melt.

Palo Santo

A salt lamp but make it fragrant. Yes, these thicc matches have been co-opted by virtually every vaguely spiritual group (come at me 3rd year anthropology students), but that shouldn't put you off. Palo Santo, Holy Wood or as I like to call it "Gender-is-a-construct-incense" is so popular because a mere whiff of it positively screams "deep and mystical". Burn some of this along with your salt-lamps and you'll be ready to hit the kitchen and start cooking up some potions in no time.


The thing is, any combo of things can technically be referred to as a potion. Potato waffles, baked beans and codeine? Why that's my trusty "prangover-be-gone". Coffee, water and heat? It's a spookily instant energiser! (super cosy too). 1x glare, 2x friends' hair-flipping in their direction and 0.5x a vodka lemonade poured directly over shoes? That's the classic Bitch Leave This Party Now. Spells! Cute!


Expect to get a lot of them for your birthday once everyone knows you're on a witch flex.

Being psychic

Ok here's where things get really seriously eerie. Telepathy is real, and nothing will convince your peers of your v special supernatural abilities more than an uncanny ability to know shit they haven't yet told you. Forget dusty old books and sprigs of lavender tossed into wells, all you need is your phone and the ability to lie without feeling guilt or embarrassment. Beyond easy. The secret ritual is: watch absolutely everybody's Instastories constantly. Who needs actual telepathy when people share what they're doing all the time anyway. Stop pretending to act surprised when your crush tells you they went for breakfast in Soho or your friends admit they all went out for dinner without you last night. Just reply deadpan "I know". How? "I'm a witch". A witch with wifi, but still, essentially, a witch.

General bad will

My personal favourite and the final stage in earning your witch stripes. Just be a complete dickhead to everyone. From the barista who took 400 years to whip up your bee pollen and turmeric latte to the guy from the bank explaining why your card just got denied when you were trying to buy moths suspended in resin. You are actually very tired of this. You are actually currently channelling the spirits of some very hard shit. You are nothing short of a martyr, offering up your body as a vessel for all sorts of really odd stuff. Yes. You're a witch.