20 things to avoid in 2018
Keep away from the following people, places and situations, to enjoy twelve LOL-filled and WTF-free months. Happy New Year!
Image via Wikihow
1. People who repeatedly tell you they are "going vegan", despite munching their own body weight in pulled pork each week and having Dirty Burger on speed dial.
2. People who wax lyrical about the post-truth age in which we live (but in actual truth only watched a bit of HyperNormalisation because it was too long/they prefer Eastenders).
3. VIP areas in nightclubs. Dear Ageing Club Promoter Who Still Thinks It's The 90s: the world has moved on, babes!
4. People who dramatically decide to quit drinking for a month, but go on about it so much that everyone around them has to become an alcoholic as a coping mechanism.
5. Post-hipster cafes across the land boasting of bespoke-fusion sandwiches and curated coffee: not being funny, but how much artistry goes into making a butty and switching the kettle on?
6. Secret warehouse parties: so clandestine, in fact, that, er, the venue, date, admission price and DJs are all heavily publicised weeks beforehand on social media.
7. People from outside of London who come to visit for the weekend and nag you to take them sales shopping down Oxford Street/Boxpark.
8. People virtue signalling on Facebook about their support for workers' rights and decent living wages for all, though routinely order din-dins via Deliveroo while being driven home c/o Uber. Naughty!
9. That corner of Soho's Wardour Street and Peter Street that you can no longer walk down without tripping over hordes of wedged-up teens queueing anxiously outside Supreme.
10. People who suddenly herald root vegetables as tout le rage, after their previous and frequently-instagrammed enthusiasms for kale and cauliflower have wilted.
11. People who repeatedly wonder whether or not to flee over-priced London for Berlin, because they reckon you can get a massive apartment there for 200 euros a month. Erm... that was true ten years ago, hun?
12. High profile ticket-only fashion events at which a panel of 'Leading Influencers' will (probably) be discussing 'The Future of Contouring'.
13. People climbing inside a metaphorical cushion while squealing about needing to be in a "safe space". Whatever happened to taking a walk on the wild side?
14. People who are still determined to convince you that Harry Styles' solo album is, "actually very good... no, honestly... he's really nailed it..." (etc), despite not noticing you've got your fingers in your ears.
15. Frozen yogurt cafes: a high street concept built around live cultures, that nonetheless hints at a kind of cultural death.
16. People who claim to have discovered a huge and amazing car boot sale, that no one knows about, packed with desirable vintage designer clothes, rare records and fab furniture. But when you go, there are at least 2,000 other hopefuls, raking over a melancholy array of crumpled Ted Baker cast-offs, scratched Now That's What I Call Music! albums and battered pine shelf units.
17. People who pompously insist on only DJ-ing with vinyl -- when we all know it's so much easier to pop some giddy songs onto a USB and totally ignore the whole concept of mixing.
18. Those not-very-eclectic 'street style' straight-ups in the Metro newspaper -- usually shot in Covent Garden, with everyone seemingly wearing the same three outfits, apparently from the same three chain stores.
19. People who temporarily forget that they are "massively wheat intolerant", whenever you buy a bag of lovely bloaty jam doughnuts from Greggs.
20. People who rather over-eagerly confirm they will email you a 10-page PDF mood board within the hour... when all you had casually asked was, "How are you today?"