the alternative award ceremony awards

#OscarsSoWhite was only the half of it. The 2016 awards season has to go down as history’s most controversial, powered by the deathless echo chamber of social media outrage. As it splutters to a close, we celebrate the people who outshone all others in...

by Dan Martin
|
04 March 2016, 9:05am

The 'Would Have Acted Differently If You'd Known You Were Being Filmed' Award: Several Men (Oscars)
Costume designer Jenny Beaven must have thought she'd had her trending moment when her mate Stephen Fry quit Twitter again after his BAFTA gag about her dressing like a bag lady was taken the wrong way. Yet the Oscars earned her hashtag worthiness once more. Dressed all kinds of awesome in a modified M&S leather jacket, she accepted her award for Mad Max: Fury Road only to be met with serious shade looks and a total lack of applause from rows of men in a Vine clip that went viral. Her crime, it seemed, to disrespect Oscar tradition by not asphyxiating herself in an ill-fitting gown. Let this be a lesson Alejandro González Iñárritu, Tom McCarthy, Steve Golin: people have smartphones now.

The Matt Lucas Award for Believing You're the Only Gay in the Village Award: Sam Smith (Oscars)
Always a keen advocate for LGBT representation, Smitho righteously decided that race alone was not going to hog high ground of causes this Oscar year. And it all started so well, picking up Best Original Song for the most underwhelming Bond theme since the Chris Cornell one. Misquoting an Ian McKellen interview where he'd lamented that no out actor had ever picked up an Academy Award, he proudly dedicated his to the LGBT community, as the first gay man ever to accept an Oscar. Cue ultimate shade from screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, and sheepish apologies from Smith who promised to check out his work. Girlfriend hadn't even seen Milk. Bad gay advocate!

Things got worse before before they got better. When informed that Oscar winning lyricist Howard Ashman was also in the gays, an enthusiastic Smith cooed, "I should know him. We should date." Ashman died from Aids in 1991.

The Kanye West Award for Attention Seeking Desperation: Oli Sykes, Bring Me The Horizon (NME Awards)
All that fuss over a geometric pattern. When Brit metal pin-up Sykes hogged the headlines at this year's Brixton bash by trashing Coldplay's table as they played their Godlike Genius set, it was widely regarded as a revenge attack after Martin and Co stole their style. A Head Full Of Dreams artwork featured the same 'flower of life' pattern as BMTH's Sempiternal. It was all cuddles the following day on Twitter, but Sykes already had his headlines by then.

The 'Surely This Time Next Year They'll Get It Right' (Brits/ Grammys/ Emmys etc)
The whitewash of ceremonies continued apace this year with the Oscars and the Brits deciding that black and born people just don't exist. It's a point that's been plenty discussed, but people, lets all just do a lot better next year please. Ok? Great, thanks.

The Teenage Taylor Swift Award for Upsetting Hipsters Everywhere With Your Unlikely Victory: Catfish and the Bottlemen (Brits)
The combined music media did not know where to put themselves when the Llandudno indie scamps walked away with Best British Breakthrough. Catfish, Imma let you finish, but Jess Glynne and Years and Years made two of the best seven-out-of-ten records of all 2015.

The Get-Off-The-Pot-Or-Piss-In-It Award: Taylor Swift (Grammys)
When is power-mad mastermind T-Swizz going to ditch the sweet girl routine and give it some? Presumably the only reason her veiled xxxx to Kanye was not more in the vein of "fuck the fuck off you sanctimonious little dickweed, I made my own money," was out of shared worldwide concern for Yizzy's already spiralling mental health.

The Ultimate Shade For Disrespecting Dead Parents Award: Duncan Jones (Grammys)
Acres of think pieces were devoted to Lady Gaga's tawdry tribute to Bowie, and they were all eclipsed by a single tweet from Dame David's son Zowie. "'Overexcited or irrational, typically as a result of infatuation or excessive enthusiasm; mentally confused.' Dammit, what IS that word!?"

The Special P45 Award: Adele's Technical Crew (Grammys)
All I Ask might well be the most underwhelming song on 25, but when your guv'nor just sold 19million records in less than three months you should probably make sure the sound's working properly.

The Adele Award for Being Adele: Adele (Earth, generally) 
She may have fluffed her Grammy performance. She might have performed at the Brits dressed as something akin to Bertie Bassett's goth cousin. She certainly expedited poor Sam Smith's descent into numptyism by bringing his stint as her holiday cover to a close. And she still has yet to provide a compelling explanation as to what a woman of such wealth would be doing with a flip phone. And yet in a scary world, she has bound humanity together that little bit more, in the certainty that anybody who doesn't like Adele is just a little bit is dead inside. And that's okay.

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Text Dan Martin
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