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​the A-Z of the general election

Following on from the massive electoral success of our Idiot’s Guide To The General Election, comes this, another guide to the general election, but featuring a whole alphabet of humour, sadness, satire and Corbyn.

by Felix Petty
|
09 May 2017, 12:05pm

A is for Apathy Only 25 more letters to go fearless readers! Yes A is for Apathy as we A-Z our way through an election few wanted. Another chance to go to the ballot box. Another chance to put an X in a box to the candidate you hate the least. Theresa May may be fond of reminding us that this is the most important election of her lifetime, but that's only because she's set to win a landslide victory. No one else can be arsed. Labour can't be arsed. The Lib Dems can't be arsed. UKIP can't be arsed. The SNP can't be arsed. The Greens can't be arsed either. They might pretend they can be arsed but they can't.

So one more month to go until we get to elect a whole 650 MPs. The election is coming, no matter how much you want it all to stop. Please make it stop. Oh jesus christ, it's only really just begun hasn't it? And we have to start talking about…

B is for Brexit Brexit is this election's background hum. Not the nice humming the postman does as he delivers another red letter from the council because you still haven't given back that housing benefit you were overpaid in 2011 when you were claiming benefits and doing an unpaid internship. No, Brexit is the bad humming. The screaming tinnitus. The sound you hear you when you try to sleep at night. The drone that covers everything.

Brexit is here, it wants your jobs, your livelihood, maybe even your women. It wants your dignity. It wants your children. It wants your nuanced political discourse. Brexit wants you arguing in the pub with your friends about the single market. Brexit wants you shouting at your poor old grandma for stealing your future.

Brexit wants your croissants, your chorizo, your sense of place in the world, your European city break to Prague. It wants to repatriate your uncle, who moved to Marbella to retire, and kick out the handsome Italian man who works in your local coffee shop.

Brexit wants your political sanity.

C is for Corbyn Following on from Macron's resounding defeat of the Front National in the French Presidential election at the weekend, our thoughts turned to our own impending election. Our own chance to resoundingly defeat a women of the right obsessed with immigration, stability, cultural homogeneity, and a long-gone vision of the the ethnic make-up of the country. Who is our Macron? The pretender from fringes, coming out of political obscurity… It is Corbyn. Unlike Macron, he is unfortunately not young, handsome, a centrist, media trained, and groomed for power. He is though, a beardie vegetarian relying on Diane Abbott to relay important campaign promises. He is our only hope.

D is for the Daily Mirror Chicken The Daily Mirror Chicken is not the political activist we need right now, but he is the political activist we deserve. After turning up at Buckingham Palace "to ask the PM's top lieutenants why she is too chicken to go beak to beak with Jeremy Corbyn in TV debates" said chicken fell "fowl" to the law. He did manage to ruffle a few feathers though.

E is for Education, Education, Education If only Theresa May had studied a little bit harder at school she would be able to come out with more tangible and substantial ideas for the UK than constantly repeating Strong and Stable over and over again like a horrifically malfunctioning evil robot, whilst decrying the coalition of chaos and harping on about the most important general election of her lifetime.

F is for F*cking EU meddling in our election At least that's what our own Supreme Evil Overlord Theresa May believes. CRUSH THE SABOTEURS! SMASH THE EU! DECLARE INDEPENDENCE! FIGHT THE EUROCRATS ON THE BEACHES!

G is for Gay Sex Is A Sin, Wait No It's Not, No Wait Maybe It Is Ladies and gentlemen Tim Farron. The voice of reason in this mad world. The centrist bulwark against the looney left and loonier right. The man who wants to put the you back in the EU. The leader of the proposed progressive coalition is taking his moral cues from a millenia old book. He also used to play in a synthpop band. Still wears Dr Martens in his fifties. Do not trust this man.

H is for Hung Parliament Remember the glory years of 2010-2015 and the Con-Lib Coalition? If you're actually lucky you might get to relive them. A hung parliament is about all we can really feasibly hope for isn't it? What a sorry state of affairs.

I is for Iain Duncan Smith Rapping The man who wants to destroy the welfare state and obliterate the poor, rapped the lyrics to Eminem's Lose Yourself on Breakfast TV. We're fucked.

J is for Jeremy Hunt The man who wants to destroy the NHS was born one letter short of a case of nominative determinism.

K is for Koalition of Kaos This summer's surprise blockbuster smash hit in the cinemas tells the heartwarming story of a band of renegade outlaws tasked with saving the innocent from an evil gang of thieves. Our only hope of preventing nuclear winter, the privatisation of the NHS, war with the EU, and the destruction of all we hold dear, lies in the Koalition of Kaos -- an unlikely band of Marxist partisans led by Jeremy 'Kaos' Corbyn, trying to bring down the government against all the odds. Starring Yul Brynner as Jeremy Corbyn. Steve McQueen as John McDonnell. Charles Bronson as Diane Abbott. Cruella DeVille as Theresa May. Directed by Ken Loach. 3/5 stars.

L is for Landslide We are all praying for a landslide to come and crush us into oblivion. Better than another 30 days of this, ho, ho! Better than another 13 letters of this A-Z! Better than another five long years of crushing existence under the kitten-heeled goose-stepping jack boot of Theresa May. Bring on the apocalypse. Bring on the landslide to wash us away in the dirt and filth and rivers of mud. Although frankly, I don't think our underfunded, understaffed, outsourced and diminished NHS could cope.

M is for Metropolitan Elite We are proud members of the metropolitan elite here at i-D. We use moisturiser. We use deodorant. We respect women. Don't mind hearing foreign languages on the P12 bus either. We are exactly the kind traitors, saboteurs and EU fifth columnists Theresa May and her pravda, The Daily Mail, so desperately need a mandate to crush into the ground with Brexit.

N is for Nuneaton
Mythical Midlands market town used as bellwether to sense direction of the country as a whole. Current Nuneaton MP, Marcus Jones, won the seat from Labour in 2010, heralding their exit from government. In 2015 he held it, confirming predicted exit polls for Tories to sweep back in power. Marcus Jones once said a new law, stating all rented homes should be fit for human habitation, would create "unnecessary regulation and cost to landlords".

O is for One In One Out Your name might be down, but you are most likely not coming in. You might already be in, you might've even been in for the last 15 years, working, bringing up kids, contributing to the economy, and you could still be unceremoniously out on your arse in the gutter.

P is for Public Services In the year 2047, in the underground bunker we all live in after Theresa May used Trident to nuke Brussels in the First EU War of 2019, when you finally have the massive heart attack -- the heart attack brought on by 30 years of gruelling work producing online content for the Ministry Of Propaganda owned fashion magazine you still somehow work for -- the heart attack brought on because they scrapped pensions and retirement. You have your heart attack and you are dying in your underground hovel without an NHS to care for you. Only then will you realise this apocalyptic future could've easily been avoided by voting for a peace-loving Birkenstock aficionado with a heart of gold and a beard of silver.

Q is for Question Time Leaders Special Caribbean banana republics and Middle Eastern autocratic oil states have more vigorous electoral oversight that this. Our own leader can't even be bothered to turn up and evilly repeat the phrase strong and stable into a microphone whilst looking like a cross between Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine. Jar Jar Binks is in charge of the opposition if you believe the Daily Mail.

R is for Real People Usually live in Nuneaton. Drive cars. Talk to each other about cars down the pubs. Believe in things they read in the Daily Mail. Do not use moisturiser. Do not enjoy hearing foreign voices on the P12 bus. For Real People, foreign includes the Scotch. Would rather vote for their own imminent destruction than a vegetarian with a beard who wants peace.

S is for Scotland North of the border, up Scotland way / That's where I fell in love, where Sturgeon above, came out to play / And now as I wander, my votes ever stray / North of the border, the SNP way.

Nicola was a picture, in old Scottish ways / Just for a tender while I kissed the smile upon her face / For it was independence, and the SNP had it's day / North of the border, up Scotland way.

T is for Tony Blair Rock and roll died when Tony Blair picked up a guitar and started playing Free's All Right Now. Threatening to make some kind of return to politics. Claims best way to ensure to Labour victory is vote Conservative. Or possibly Lib Dem. Does not want you to vote for Corbyn. Do not trust this man.

U is for UKIP Fortunately UKIP have been wiped out at the recent local elections. Unfortunately they were wiped out because the Conservative Party outflanked them by moving to the political right of them. The anti-EU, pro-banking, anti-immigrant, pro-cultural insularity party were a group of fringe loons. Now they are in power.

V is for Vote! The future is yours!

X is for what you mark on your ballot paper The future is yours!

Y is for Young people The future belongs to us! The youth are the future. We are the future! And what a future we've got coming to us. Fingers crossed you can apply for an EU passport and fuck off. Otherwise you're fucked. Unless you're a rich, white, straight, guy, from England. Then you're fine. As usual.

Z is for Zzzzz Wake us up in 2022.  

Credits


Text Felix Petty 

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General Election 2017