which musician you should stan, according to your horoscope
‘I feel seen’ -- you, reading this article.
The great thing about the music industry is there are just so many great acts, almost more than there are horoscopes. So many wonderful musicians, so much choice, so many people to stan! This, the great thing about the music industry, is also the bad thing about the music industry. With so many great people to focus on, who can you truly dedicate yourself to? Who should you dedicate yourself to? When I say dedicate yourself I mean it in the purest sense: starting fights on Twitter on their behalf. The purest form of dedication.
Well luckily, we’ve worked it out for you. Here’s who you should be stanning, based on the universe’s one uncontentious science: astrology.
Leo: Harry Styles
Some people move through the world quietly. Unassuming. They like their lives simple, minimalistic. These people are not Leos. Leos like to make noise. Their lives, their personalities, their tastes in music are anthemic, colourful, loud. Why wear jeans and a white T-shirt when you could wear a silk tuxedo, bell-bottoms, paisley and pink? Why settle for just a passing interest in a celebrity when you could reach the heady heights of obsession instead, literally camping out for days on end to get a chance of touching your favourite musicians. Harry Styles fans are extra as hell, like the man himself, and you can’t tell me that’s anything but a distinctly Leo trait.
There are some people out there -- and these people are wrong -- who believe that Virgos are obsessive nitpickers, perfectionists, who look down their nose at the rest of the world for not meeting their own, impossibly high standards. Standards which not even they themselves will ever truly reach. Then, there are the people who know the truth: Virgos do not rush, they do not adhere to the rest of the world’s schedules or rules, they know that perfection can be achieved, it just takes time and attention to detail and ambition. That’s why if Virgo was personified it would be our Lord and Savior Beyoncé Knowles.
Beyoncé does not adhere to your silly album release schedules. Beyoncé’s world tours are unlike other world tours because of her attention to detail, and because her own standards are so high, she knows she will never disappoint the eagle eyes of the Beyhive. And let’s be honest, nobody will ever finesse the grudge holding, pettiness that Virgos are well-known for like Bey did on Lemonade.
Plus she’s literally a real life Virgo.
Grounded, strong, balanced and determined, Libras are the one sign who know what they want and how to get it, without being cutthroat and unfair. Love is a religion, both for Libras, and for SZA. And Libras know that sometimes it’s best to let actions speak louder than words. Why bother telling everyone how great you are, when you can just drop an album like CTRL and watch the world fall apart in the aftermath of your genius, for example? Namaste.
Everyone knows that you don’t fuck with a Scorpio. And everyone knows you don’t fuck with Rihanna. It’s really as simple as that.
Sagittarius: Lady Gaga
The world can be hard, but Sagittariuses rarely see it that way. Extroverts and optimists, they embrace change in all its forms, always with the fundamental expectation that change is good, that it will lead to bigger and better things. It’s this fundamental positivity and bright side thinking that will see them through the bad times, when change didn’t necessarily mean something better. They know that it’ll change to something else soon enough anyway. This, I presume, is how hardcore Lady Gaga stans justify that weird mermaid Artpop-era.
Capricorn: Charli XCX
If there was ever a piece of footage that summed up the endless party atmosphere, the inexhaustible enthusiasm for life that Capricorns have, then it would be that video of Charli XCX bouncing around on stage in front of a lacklustre German festival crowd, blasting I Love It and screaming “What the fuck! I thought this fucking song was big in Germany!” The lifeless crowd are the inconveniences of life, and Charli is the Capricorn, resilient and enthusiastic, determined to enjoy themselves regardless and perplexed at the unwillingness of the rest of the world to just go along with them.
Here, a visual representation:
Mysterious, free-spirited, eccentric -- nobody will ever truly understand the Aquarius. They have many layers and each are as bizarre as the next. But their uniqueness is exactly why people love them. Much like Björk. So what if you don’t understand why she is the way she is! She’s great!
Nobody else in the astrological world gets caught up in their feelings quite like Pisces. They’re sensitive souls. They need time alone, they need care and attention. They need sad boy RnB music, and that is exactly what Drake provides. Chances are if you stumble across someone’s Instagram and in their bio they have “I only love my bed and my momma, I’m sorry”, then they’re a Pisces.
Aries: Cardi B
Brash, loud, crass, headstrong and hilarious, Aries are proud to be Aries, and they don’t give a shit whether you like them or not. If their unapologetic lifestyle was summed up in one person, it would be Cardi B. Love her or loathe her, Cardi doesn’t change for anyone. Her bangers say it themselves, you can’t fuck with her, even if you quite wanted to! Also, there has never been a single tweet more Aries than this.
Taurus: Frank Ocean
Tauruses are known for their practicality, their sensuality, their eye for detail and beauty, and of course, their phenomenal ambition. Other people on this list might release new music once or twice a year. They might play endless gigs. They might indulge in some collaborations for fans every so often. Those people aren’t Tauruses. Tauruses know that perfection, beauty, genius -- these things take time. Frank Ocean understands this, which is why we always have to wait for long for his new music and we accept it as part and parcel of the beautiful experience. Patience is a virtue.
Gemini: Taylor Swift
This is a shade-free zone. If you thought that this was going to be a place where we talk about being two-faced and somehow linking that to Taylor Swift then you’re going to be disappointed (but the comparison could arguably be made). Often misunderstood as being shifty, snakey or two-faced, Geminis are in fact the great re-inventors of the zodiac. Nobody knows the value of a glow up, of a change of scenery, style or music like a Gemini. And nobody in the music industry today understands the value of a strategic reinvention quite like Taylor Swift. She’s gone from being an angelic country singer crying about girls in short skirts to a pseudo-unapologetic queen of revenge taking charge of her own Reputation. Change is good. Geminis know this, and so do Taylor Swift stans.
Cancer: Stevie Nicks
Look, Cancer are the witches of the zodiac. Sensitive, emotional, white witches of course, but witches nonetheless. They’re more in tune to the emotions of the earth and their bodies and minds than anyone else, and if that makes them come across as fragile, then so be it. They’re ruled by the Great White Witch of the Zodiac. The Supreme. Stevie Nicks. You can’t tell me that Landslide doesn’t sound like the ultimate Cancer soundtrack… like lying in a scorched field in July, butterflies and bumblebees buzzing all around you. Maybe you’re wearing a big white cloak, thinking about how your exes all wronged you, but it doesn’t matter because the universe will eventually get them back. You know, that kind of thing.