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top 5 prison wives in orange is the new black

IT'S BACK! 13 episodes all at once on Netflix. Call in sick, cancel your friendships, buy a huge block of cheese and sit down for the second season of the best show on TV. Last season finished on a banging cliffhanger where Piper went mental and beat up the tiny crackhead, securing at least another three seasons for us with a no doubt epically extended sentence. Season 1 was full of characters, some who made prison look quite pleasant (Yoga Jones, the hot soldier prison guard), and some who made prison look like prison (Tiffany, Red). Early on, Piper attracts some unwanted attention when Crazy Eyes makes her a prison wife. A prison wife, for those who haven't been inside, is basically a girlfriend in prison; you stick up for each other, perform wifely duties and hold hands, wink wink. With plenty of totty behind the bars, we picked our top five prison wives in OITNB. Such an awkward acronym.

Text Sarah Raphael 
Image courtesy Netflix

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  • crazy eyes

    Crazy Eyes is called Suzanne and the nickname isn't exactly creative. She's sweet in a very scary way, and takes things to heart. When someone disses Piper, who she thinks is her wife and keeps calling Dandelion, she stands up and shouts "I will cut you b*tch. you don't know me". It's frightful, but loyal. Minus the weeing incident and her general vibe, Crazy Eyes would be a palatable prison wife. 


  • sophia

    Sophia is the trans inmate (and real life transgender actress) who runs the beauty salon so if your glass was half full, prison could just be one long free spa! She has a good heart – wife and son at home – and a quick mind, for instance making friends with the older inmates going through menopause in an attempt to get their hormone medication. Good one!


  • taystee

    She's a good time girl. She steals Piper's hair to get a highlight. She sings like an angel in the Christmas play. She loves prison so much the second she gets out she crimes to get back in. Everybody loves Taystee. Hello wifey!


  • alex

    Her sexy man height, perfect eyebrows and slightly poor vision make Alex Vaus a very desirable prison wife. There was the time she got locked in the tumble dryer, the time she told Larry she wasn't his problem, and the time she swiped Piper some food when Red was starving her out. Alex is so sexy she turned a detox diet preppy blonde into a chapel-fornicating lesbian, all whilst wearing glasses. 

    NB this Alex and Piper mash up (link to: Piper and Alex OITNB - We Found Love) set to Rihanna's We Found Love is oddly satisfying. They did find love in a hopeless place. 


  • nicky

    Nicky, aka Jessica from American Pie is my number one wifey. She's a recovering drug addict with a posh mother and crazy hair but she'd be very reliable in a scrap defending your honour, and comes off well in shower scenes. She is a popular inmate and makes a sweet secret santa present for her wife Morelli. <3